I find the darkness to be familiar and comforting really. The light in the corner just snapped off, it’s on a timer. Soon the one by the window will snap off too, in about an hour or so. They’re set that way to “remind” me to go to bed, but my computer has a light behind the keys and I can see them if I need to, so sometimes I am up much later than my reminders. The darkness will then be complete except for the glow from the technology underneath my hands and before my face.
Thinking is sometimes easier and clearer in the darkness. I know that sounds strange but there are no visual distractions and the sounds of the night are just, background noise. Expected noises, not surprising, so the sounds become part of the the darkness and the silence; in a weird way, this too is comforting.
Calling out to me through all the cacophony during the days, and into the nights in the form of nightmares, while sleeping, is the pressing darkness. It wants me to come back, to share my time with it and my words on this screen as type. I find a chasm reluctance to do so, for I cannot face again what has happened to someone I liked – though they did not know me, a single person from among the billions who admired or liked them.
First, it was The Voice; no, I’m not speaking of the television talk show. It happened about two years ago, then it was Laughter six days ago. Both gone. Their last breath taken, oh much too young in life, and because… well… there has been much public and private speculation, but no real truth. At least for public release, and in this perhaps I am thankful. Yet still, there has been much finger pointing, accusations, whispers, but finally a semblance of grief. Then the world as we know it moved on, it was the drugs it is said, and maybe it it true, who am I to judge? I look at the lives of the two people who helped me through some really difficult times as I watched their movies, listened to the music – yes, it’s what some people call “Video Therapy” – and I know deep in my heart the truth.
For my own soul recognizes the truth behind what we see and hear in the media. The soul is what surges with the depths of things the mind and heart cannot always face immediately. The searing pain, the heartache, the poison that pulls at a person to repeat the act which was utter futility to resolve the problems these two were facing. Big problems or small in our eyes it does not matter what size they seem to us, to them the two who took their lives, the problems were too big for them insurmountable, and they felt suicide was the only answer.
Today, tonight I let my soul release the surge of powerful emotions, allowing them to spew forth and to finally at last find true release in the darkness, into the silence they roar and growl and create a cacophony of their own. Into the eternity of God’s gracious merciful bosom I release it, for only He knows. Only He can handle the holocaust of loss and anger and confusion and hurt, which threatens to destroy me. Is God in the darkness, was He waiting there for me? Yes, because only God knows my ability to use the darkness for release, it was His voice which called to me.
They are saying that Laughter and The Voice should have asked for help, but who of their many viewers would have understood, could have forgiven, might have supported and loved them through their trials and tribulations until they reached the other side in triumph? Look back and see how the world has persecuted the fallen, our “heroes” of Hollywood and stardom. I’ve called them such because does or did the world not view them as such? They were not people in the eyes of the world, they were just another form of entertainment for the billions who watched and listened.
Our world is fickle, the people in it can be judgmental and downright mean, I’m no saint, so can I. They love to see someone hurt, they beg to be given a voice to vote someone off the island or a stage. The world wants for more and better entertainment all the time, and heaven help the ones who fall short for they shall be dropped like a rotted egg into a garbage heap of other thrown away no longer sparkling, no longer the newest latest greatest, whatever happens to be the current “Gotta Have” item.
For today, we are about survival of the fittest, and maybe, as I look back, we aren’t so different now as we were back when, it’s just more publicized and idolized.
But enough of my rantings, for my “feelings” are spent and I am thinking more clearly now. I’ve snapped the light back on, which is by the window. It’s easier on my eyes when I don’t have to stare at the stark brightness of this computer screen. Even though I’ve lowered the brightness it quite a bit more than what the usual person would have done.
So….What happened, where was God in all this, Why did He let this happen? God didn’t and doesn’t want anything bad to happen, but He gave every single person on this earth the right to make their own choices. If He were to take away anyone’s choices, then He would not be a loving, personal God, He would be a distant uncaring hateful God, which created robots for His amusement. God would have a people He winds up then the person does everything He wants them to do or say. They would do it without thought, without free will, without choice.
Wow, is that the kind of people you want around you, is it the kind of person you want to be? God could get rid of all your friends and family and co-workers and neighbors, etc. and replace them with robots that don’t move or think freely, and He could do the same with you as well. However, He doesn’t, He wants a more personal relationship with His creation than what I’ve described.
Interactive, allowing people a choice to come to Him – or not. There is no forcing, there is no checklist of things you must do first to approach God. You don’t have to (you can’t) clean yourself up first before you come to Him. He’s not afraid of Your questions, your anger, your bitterness, or even your hatred. God just want you to come to Him, talk to Him, spend some time with Him…is that so terrible? What is so threatening, what is so scary? God will meet you where you are but you must know that He loves you way too much to leave you where you are.
God took on the tempest of my emotions and anger at the world and at two of my favorite actors, He soothed my emotions and helped me to get them under control and to remember that He will and does figure out in advance, knowing these things are going to happen, how to make all things come out for the good of those that love Him. God? He has heard my cries tonight, He has listened to my pleadings, He has caught all my tears, and He has answered me with an enfolding of me within His arms and with His words of comfort.
Do I think two actors could or would have done that for me, when within the billions of people around the world I wasn’t even a blip on their radar? If I was near them and they saw it, maybe, I don’t know. Does it make me care for them any less? No, they were, are and will continue to be ever much much more than just “Laughter” and “The Voice”, they were human beings, God Creations, people. They also happened to be part of the healing process God’s love has/had assigned to me through their beautiful work. Of course, God uses the Bible and prayer much more than movies, books, T.V., friends or family, but sometimes He doesn’t mind using others that He loves(ed) deeply to help in that process.
The darkness I was feeling in my soul for the last several days has dissipated, and God transformed the darkness into light. Thank you, Father.