The Most Precious Thing I’ve Ever Lost

It didn’t happen right away, it took years for me to realize I didn’t have many memories of my own childhood.  What little bits I did remember well, were some good and some bad stuff.  Those things I didn’t remember much about, were just “flashes” in a moment of time.  Mostly flashes of “pictures” in my head of situations, circumstances, words, or of angry faces with the distortions in the eyes, nose and mouth, which only a child can give them.

I was an adult when I realized I wasn’t like my siblings,  I didn’t remember vast areas of my childhood.  They however could almost tell you the color shirt they were wearing, who and the names of those present, and a word for word commentary on what was taking place; and who said what on any given day of the week in our past.

It was hell, and sometimes I cared then other times I really didn’t because what good was it to remember?  Is there anything one has forgotten and is willingly, not just actively, seeking what you have forgotten?

I found out I just don’t care whether I remember anymore, I just want to live today and each new day to it’s fullest.  At least I can lie to myself most of the time about that because my family doesn’t get together very much – so my memory or lapse of won’t get tested too often.  When we do get together, schedules and such cause a disjointed gathering, it’s not all of us together at the same time.  I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time because they think I’m just dumb or weird or stupid or a hypochondriac (I assume about being a ‘mental case’) for not remembering as good as they do.  In fact, even now, I still don’t remember events and people and places as well as they all do.  I worry that I have a early on-set Dementia or Alzheimer or ALS or Parkinsons, or MS,  or MD, or some other degenerative disease of the brain.

I have my own Neurologist to investigate the individual ‘symptoms’ I have instead of trying to treat them as a whole.   This doctor is listening to me, but still not as well as I would like.  I’ve seen him several times, sometimes he’s forgotten to read my chart and wants to run a test he has already run or has to ask me what the next steps are I want to take – as if I’m the doctor!  Overall, as a result I’m able to to do some things I haven’t been able to do for quite a while; still, not like I used though because the medicines I’m on cause me to feel sleepy and dopey, therefore I fall asleep easily when sitting doing nothing but watching T.V., writing or reading a good book.

However, I praise God for whatever I can get done, for in my weakness He is made strong – I can lean on Him for support and it will be His strength I use instead of my own, and it will be He who receives the glory and honor and praise, amen.  For now, I write to whoever feels like reading what I have written, and when I am unable to do so, then I write at another time.  God bless you, my friends.